I could see the fear on my face, the pain in my eyes, the grip of my hands, the feelings of being worthless, and used.
You see for years, I was conditioned. Conditioned to be told I was not good enough, that I wasn't attractive, that I was too skinny, that no one would love me, that I would fall flat on my face without him, that I didn't do the laundry right, that I didn't do enough, that I was disrespectful, that I was fake, that I was any number of 4 letter words, and then some how, some way, go along my day as if nothing happened.
I was conditioned to just numb the pain. After a while I even stopped crying. The painful things that were said and done, were no longer painful, they no longer caused tears, it was just LIFE.
I had to hold it together for the kids, I had to hold it together to hold up some sort of perfect public image.
I learned over the course of years, to bury the pain, to be the dog who was kicked, and yet still had to love on its "master."
As I cried out to God to save my marriage, to save my husband, to CHANGE SOMETHING, I heard God say, LOOK WITHIN, I NEED YOU TO SEEK ME!
I had to be the one to change. I needed to draw closer to God, study His word, seek counsel, pursue Him, and ultimately make hard choices.
Satan is very good at what he does. He will twist the bible, twist Gods words, so they sound right, but bottom line, they are TWISTED, misconstrued, false! They are manipulated and deceptive. And these words were spoken right to me. "If you were a good christian wife, you would RESPECT ME, no matter what."
Satan loves to manipulate Gods word to His believers, to keep us in bondage, to keep us in fear, to keep us from experiencing GOD!
As I sought God, he transformed my beliefs. Things were no longer gray, they became black and white.
One night in June after more verbal and emotional abuse and threats, God stirred within me, this force welled up and forced me out. Eight months ago I fled my home with our 3 boys.
In the last eight months, I have had to deal with some horrific things, however I finally have peace.
God has been filling me daily with His love, with His worth, with His value.
Over these eight months, I have tried to feel the pain I have endured. But often times, I have been like a robot. I recognize it happened, but I have been totally numbed by the pain. The conditioning of the elephant has taken its toll.
You see, elephants are trained at a young age by being chained up. As a little immature elephant, they can not break this chain. They will wiggle, and tug but they will not be able to break free. After months of this, pretty soon they no longer try to escape. As big, strong adult elephants, they are only tied up by a rope because they still feel the "chain" around their foot.
Since, they feel the rope, they believe they can not escape. They BELIEVE they are stuck. These elephants still BELIEVE they are chained and can not break free, and never even try to escape. They are numbed to the REALITY. They stand there, stuck, "chained" by a rope they could easily break.
Over time, I became like this elephant. I no longer fought it, I just took it. I was numb to the reality of my situation, and just stood there, trying to just survive and endure.
I took it because it was easier, because I was afraid to leave, because I believed the lies.
I kept myself busy, and occupied. Kids, Church, my Business, Pursuing Gods calling. The things I have consumed my time with are not bad, however I was still stuck in unhealthy, bondage, degradation and pain. The activities, helped but truly they masking the pain.
It is scary facing reality. It is scary to not just admit the things that have happened, but to actually FEEL THEM AGAIN. No one wants to feel the pain, feel the abuse, the abandonment, the worthlessness, the physical damage,harm....
However, experiencing the emotions in a RAW AND REAL WAY, a way that provokes healing is necessary.
Its scary to surrender, surrender the elephant conditioning. Because the reality is, I "felt" chained, but I wasn't. I allowed a rope, a breakable strand, keep me captive for years, and years by a controlling ring master.
Sometimes you have to call it what it is, what it was.... to face the TRUTH of the situation.
Kneeling at the bottom of my bed, I finally saw things for how they were. The numbing effect was stripped away.
This time, I embraced the tears. The ugly, Tears. I chose to face the reality, boldly, without running away this time.
No more NUMBING. No more Elephant Conditioning.
It is scary....
But sometimes facing reality is the BRAVEST thing you will ever do!
Don't run from it, don't mask it, don't numb it... FEEL IT!
Clench your fist tight, squeeze it as hard as you can, hold is .... 3.....2.....1....
RELEASE.
Release the pain, release the tears, release the abandonment, release the abuse, release the unworthiness, release the ugliness, release the lies.....
RELEASE IT ALL......
With your hands open...
FATHER GOD,
We pray for total release of past pains. I declare that chains be broken, IN JESUS NAME.
Now with open hands, help us to accept the reality, the TRUTH of what has gone on.
We accept YOUR love, YOUR truth, and YOUR purpose.
We receive your healing, we receive your protection and love.
We DECLARE that never again, will we be chained by the enemies lies.
We DECLARE WE ARE SET FREE, IN YOUR GLORIOUS NAME.
We thank you Father.
Amen
